If you're wondering about the title, that song has been playing on repeat in my head all day & all night. So I've been alternating the Bob Seger & Metallica versions while I type. The lyrics are actually quite fitting.
Here we are; 38 weeks pregnant, almost 2 in the morning, and can't get comfortable enough to sleep. This has pretty much become my life lately - being uncomfortable. If it isn't the heartburn and headaches, it's the restless legs and endless kicks in the ribs. I can usually get about 3 hours of good sleep once I finally find a comfortable position. But once I get up the first time to pee, all bets are off for the remainder of the night (up until about an hour, hour & a half before my alarm goes off of course...).
That being said, no; I am not "ready to just be done" as so many people keep asking me. If Little Man is not ready to make his appearance, I am 100% fine with him staying where he is. I can endure several more weeks of discomfort if it means he'll be better suited to take on the world when the time comes.
I'm just going to jump right into here: my biggest struggle lately has been loneliness. Since the weather has started getting nicer lately, Husband has been taking his motorcycle out more, & spending a lot more time with his friends. I'm glad he gets that opportunity, but it leaves me sitting at home by myself a lot (well, not exactly by myself; our dog is here too, constantly whining because he wants to go outside, then staring at the door because he wants me to be outside playing with him at all times. Yay company.) & therefore still tackling the majority of the housework/baby prep by myself. I won't deny it; I'm jealous.
I definitely don't have the energy to be going here & there every day, & usually by the time I get off work, I'm so exhausted that a short walk around the block with the dog is about all I can manage (especially if I had to to run any errands on my lunch hour or after work). But on the weekends, I still want to do things & see people. It's just hard to make it happen because I can't always go out for dinner (my appetite has pretty much disappeared, & when I do make myself eat, I only get about 4 or 5 bites into something before I'm full), or take a two-hour walk, or wander around the mall for hours, or even sit in one position for very long anymore. So I'm never quite sure how to approach people... "Hey, wanna hang out? And...I don't know...sit on some comfy furniture for a while? But not too long. Then maybe take an excruciatingly slow 20-30 minute walk around...somewhere...before we go back & sit down again?" Sounds like a hopping good time.
This lonely attitude is also making it difficult for me to get/remain excited about things. Like packing the hospital bag - I have all the important stuff I'll really need (paperwork, camera, nursing pillow, all the relaxation stuff I want for labor), but at this point, I couldn't care less if I throw in a change of clothes for me, for Husband, or even for the baby. And his special "coming home" outfit? Pfft. For a while, I was really bummed because I couldn't find anything "cute" or "special" enough in the clothes we already had, so I was going to go buy something. But the longer I wait, the more I find myself thinking "What is the big deal? One onesie is as good as another. I'll just grab the first thing out of his drawer & toss it in. It's not like he'll know the difference."
Husband made the comment recently that I've gotten more...I don't remember if he actually used the word "snippy" or not, but that pretty much sums it up. And he's right, even though I still try my hardest to keep my temper & attitude in check. It's hard when there is small person taking up residency in your uterus, and rapidly outgrowing his surroundings. Plus, as I get bigger & bigger, and therefore closer & closer, I have more & more people asking my favorite question: "How are you feeling?"
Grr and sigh.
I have tried really hard not to complain much during this pregnancy for several reasons: 1) because I really haven't had much to complain about; honestly I've been incredibly lucky & had a really easy go of it. And 2) I know I've said this before - probably multiple times - but as soon as I do mention something like how uncomfortable I am because he's now sitting really low & putting a lot more pressure on my hips & pelvis, or being tired & unable to sleep, or having my feet swell up to the point it's painful to walk across the house, or having to limp around because my sciatica makes me want to cry, I'm hit with the never-ending barrage of "You think you're in pain NOW" or "You think you're tired NOW" or "You think you're uncomfortable NOW" And let me tell you, nothing gets my sharing-juices flowing like an endless stream of I-told-you-so's!
Maybe I'm just posting while in a pregnancy slump, but I've tried to be as honest as possible in this process, just in case some other pregnant person ever actually reads this. I want them to know that it doesn't make you a bad mom (or mom-to-be) if you aren't jumping for joy every second of every day. If you're like me, you might find yourself feeling like you've been shipwrecked on a deserted island, watching all these cruise ships sail by with everyone standing at the rail smiling and waving at you, wanting to know how you're doing. After a while, you get tired of smiling and waving back. I, for one, am telling myself that that is ok.
As our big day continues to draw closer, I've also become much more reluctant to share as many details with people. I find myself wishing I hadn't shared my due date so openly with so many people, or the baby's gender. I know everyone is excited, & I love that everyone is excited, but I'm also a little...taken aback by how many people are counting down to D Day right along with us... And how many people want to know where we will be delivering, & what we're going to name him. Again, I know that goes along with the general excitement that always accompanies pregnancy & babies, but...being the center of attention like this is really weird (&, if I'm being honest, a little uncomfortable) for me. I don't like the idea of people knowing when I'm in labor (& have in fact made several requests that people refrain from mentioning it if/when they are notified), & I kind of don't want everyone knowing when he's here, either. Maybe that will change once he's actually HERE, but for now, I would love to have a day or two to just...breathe before we announce his arrival at all.
Who knows; we might both be so overcome with joy that we have to tell the entire world the second we get him in our arms. And by tomorrow, or even this weekend, I might be the happiest pregnant woman in the world. Hormones are just so weird.
There I go, turn the page.
