I'm not sure how quippy and clever this blog post will be. And I can guarantee there will be some adult language. Probably a lot of adult language.
The truth is, I was supposed to write my son's birth story. I've been trying to write my son's birth story. And I've been trying to write my son's birth story for the last six weeks.
So I'm just going to come right out and say it: postpartum depression is a bitch.
The one thing I have always wanted, throughout my entire life, has been to be a mom. I have always, always wanted kids. There hasn't always been a husband in my grand picture, but there have always been kids (although, thank GOD there is a husband in the real picture because parenthood is fucking hard).
In truth, I genuinely thought I would take to motherhood like a duck to water.
That has not been the case. I have been struggling with literally every aspect of being a mom since the day after he was born, and just this week, I finally decided that it needed to be addressed.
If you've been keeping up with my earlier Baby Blog posts, you may be familiar with Lucie's List. I signed up for their weekly newsletters, and it just so happened that the six week newsletter was about postpartum depression. I have been trying to convince myself that I don't have PPD, that everything is fine, that it's all normal, that I will even out in time. But reading through the newsletter, I started crying; it described everything I felt, and had been feeling since we brought our baby boy home...
You feel overwhelmed. Not like "hey, this new mom thing is hard." More like "I can't do this and I'm never going to be able to do this."
You feel like you just can't handle being a mother. In fact, you may be wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place.
You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling new motherhood better than this. You feel like your baby deserves better.
You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don't feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would.
You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you.
You don't feel bonded to your baby. You're not having that mythical mommy bliss that you see on TV or read about in magazines.
You can't understand why this is happening.
You feel irritated or angry. You have no patience. Everything annoys you. You feel resentment toward your baby, or your partner, or your friends who don't have babies.
You feel nothing. Emptiness and numbness. You are just going through the motions.
You feel sadness to the depths of your soul. You can't stop crying, even when there's no real reason to be crying.
You feel hopeless, like this situation will never ever get better. You feel weak and defective. You feel like a failure.
You can't bring yourself to eat, or perhaps the only thing that makes you feel better is eating.
You can't concentrate. You can't focus. You can't think of the words you want to say. You can't remember what you were supposed to do. You can't make a decision. You feel like you're in a fog.
You feel disconnected. You feel strangely apart from everyone for some reason, like there's an invisible wall between you and the rest of the world.
You're thinking, "Why can't I just get over this?" You feel like you should be able to snap out of it, but you can't.
You might be having thoughts of running away and leaving your family behind.
You know something is wrong. You may not know you have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right. You think you've "gone crazy."
You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you've lost the "old you" forever.
You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you. Or that your baby will be taken away.
Today I had my six week check-up with my doctor. I talked to her and the nurse about these thoughts/feelings/symptoms, and we decided that it might be a good idea for me to try an anti-depressant for a while. I'll be going back to work in a couple weeks (only part time, but still - it will be quite the adjustment), and we have a shitload of packing to do as we are packing up our entire lives & moving to Florida in about four weeks.
I've never been good at asking for help; I put a lot of pressure on myself to do things perfectly and always be independent, in control, and self-sufficient. But when your life is suddenly taken over by a tiny dictator who melts your heart with his smiles & snuggles, & makes you want to rip your hair out while you hide in the other room & let him scream for a few minutes, the idea of being in control is pretty much shot to shit.
Now, I do want to make this very clear: I never once had even a passing thought of harming myself or my son. And, like my other posts, I'm not writing this as a cry for help or attention. I'm writing this because there might be another new mother out there feeling this way, and she needs to know that she's not broken. She's not a bad mom. She's not a failure. Even though she calls herself all these things & more (probably on a daily basis). These things happen, these feelings happen, and they need to be talked about.
Saturday, June 24, 2017
Sunday, May 7, 2017
D-Day!
That's right, today is officially Baby Boy's Due Date!!!
Since I'm posting this, I hope it's pretty obvious that no, I am not in labor; and no, we have not had the baby yet.
I was really, really hoping Baby Boy would be a due date baby (like his mama) but it's after 9 pm now, & I kinda don't see it happening in the next 2 1/2 hours. Plus, no one else thought he would actually be born on time (we put together a betting sheet, & not one person bet on his actual due date!), so it would have been kind of fun for that to happen. Oh well; he'll make his appearance when he's ready to :)
Husband & I are both very ready for our Little Guy to be here, but I'm still really hoping we'll get to do this all naturally. I'm trying to keep an open mind as far as the possibilities of inducing labor, using painkillers, or even needing a c-section go, however; & just reminding myself that the most important thing is to get our baby boy into our arms as safely as possible.
I really don't have a lot to post right now, mostly because we are 100% in the grips of the Waiting Game. But I wanted to put a quick update out there, & of course acknowledge the date that we have been counting down toward since mid-October of last year :) I can't believe we're already here, & that any day now we will get to meet & hold our SON!
Also, I have to end with this picture quote from Sex and the City, because it's been repeating over & over in my head since I found out we were having a boy...
That is so sci-fi!
:D
Since I'm posting this, I hope it's pretty obvious that no, I am not in labor; and no, we have not had the baby yet.
I was really, really hoping Baby Boy would be a due date baby (like his mama) but it's after 9 pm now, & I kinda don't see it happening in the next 2 1/2 hours. Plus, no one else thought he would actually be born on time (we put together a betting sheet, & not one person bet on his actual due date!), so it would have been kind of fun for that to happen. Oh well; he'll make his appearance when he's ready to :)
Husband & I are both very ready for our Little Guy to be here, but I'm still really hoping we'll get to do this all naturally. I'm trying to keep an open mind as far as the possibilities of inducing labor, using painkillers, or even needing a c-section go, however; & just reminding myself that the most important thing is to get our baby boy into our arms as safely as possible.
I really don't have a lot to post right now, mostly because we are 100% in the grips of the Waiting Game. But I wanted to put a quick update out there, & of course acknowledge the date that we have been counting down toward since mid-October of last year :) I can't believe we're already here, & that any day now we will get to meet & hold our SON!
Also, I have to end with this picture quote from Sex and the City, because it's been repeating over & over in my head since I found out we were having a boy...
That is so sci-fi!
:D
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Turn the Page
If you're wondering about the title, that song has been playing on repeat in my head all day & all night. So I've been alternating the Bob Seger & Metallica versions while I type. The lyrics are actually quite fitting.
Here we are; 38 weeks pregnant, almost 2 in the morning, and can't get comfortable enough to sleep. This has pretty much become my life lately - being uncomfortable. If it isn't the heartburn and headaches, it's the restless legs and endless kicks in the ribs. I can usually get about 3 hours of good sleep once I finally find a comfortable position. But once I get up the first time to pee, all bets are off for the remainder of the night (up until about an hour, hour & a half before my alarm goes off of course...).
That being said, no; I am not "ready to just be done" as so many people keep asking me. If Little Man is not ready to make his appearance, I am 100% fine with him staying where he is. I can endure several more weeks of discomfort if it means he'll be better suited to take on the world when the time comes.
I'm just going to jump right into here: my biggest struggle lately has been loneliness. Since the weather has started getting nicer lately, Husband has been taking his motorcycle out more, & spending a lot more time with his friends. I'm glad he gets that opportunity, but it leaves me sitting at home by myself a lot (well, not exactly by myself; our dog is here too, constantly whining because he wants to go outside, then staring at the door because he wants me to be outside playing with him at all times. Yay company.) & therefore still tackling the majority of the housework/baby prep by myself. I won't deny it; I'm jealous.
I definitely don't have the energy to be going here & there every day, & usually by the time I get off work, I'm so exhausted that a short walk around the block with the dog is about all I can manage (especially if I had to to run any errands on my lunch hour or after work). But on the weekends, I still want to do things & see people. It's just hard to make it happen because I can't always go out for dinner (my appetite has pretty much disappeared, & when I do make myself eat, I only get about 4 or 5 bites into something before I'm full), or take a two-hour walk, or wander around the mall for hours, or even sit in one position for very long anymore. So I'm never quite sure how to approach people... "Hey, wanna hang out? And...I don't know...sit on some comfy furniture for a while? But not too long. Then maybe take an excruciatingly slow 20-30 minute walk around...somewhere...before we go back & sit down again?" Sounds like a hopping good time.
This lonely attitude is also making it difficult for me to get/remain excited about things. Like packing the hospital bag - I have all the important stuff I'll really need (paperwork, camera, nursing pillow, all the relaxation stuff I want for labor), but at this point, I couldn't care less if I throw in a change of clothes for me, for Husband, or even for the baby. And his special "coming home" outfit? Pfft. For a while, I was really bummed because I couldn't find anything "cute" or "special" enough in the clothes we already had, so I was going to go buy something. But the longer I wait, the more I find myself thinking "What is the big deal? One onesie is as good as another. I'll just grab the first thing out of his drawer & toss it in. It's not like he'll know the difference."
Husband made the comment recently that I've gotten more...I don't remember if he actually used the word "snippy" or not, but that pretty much sums it up. And he's right, even though I still try my hardest to keep my temper & attitude in check. It's hard when there is small person taking up residency in your uterus, and rapidly outgrowing his surroundings. Plus, as I get bigger & bigger, and therefore closer & closer, I have more & more people asking my favorite question: "How are you feeling?"
Grr and sigh.
I have tried really hard not to complain much during this pregnancy for several reasons: 1) because I really haven't had much to complain about; honestly I've been incredibly lucky & had a really easy go of it. And 2) I know I've said this before - probably multiple times - but as soon as I do mention something like how uncomfortable I am because he's now sitting really low & putting a lot more pressure on my hips & pelvis, or being tired & unable to sleep, or having my feet swell up to the point it's painful to walk across the house, or having to limp around because my sciatica makes me want to cry, I'm hit with the never-ending barrage of "You think you're in pain NOW" or "You think you're tired NOW" or "You think you're uncomfortable NOW" And let me tell you, nothing gets my sharing-juices flowing like an endless stream of I-told-you-so's!
Maybe I'm just posting while in a pregnancy slump, but I've tried to be as honest as possible in this process, just in case some other pregnant person ever actually reads this. I want them to know that it doesn't make you a bad mom (or mom-to-be) if you aren't jumping for joy every second of every day. If you're like me, you might find yourself feeling like you've been shipwrecked on a deserted island, watching all these cruise ships sail by with everyone standing at the rail smiling and waving at you, wanting to know how you're doing. After a while, you get tired of smiling and waving back. I, for one, am telling myself that that is ok.
As our big day continues to draw closer, I've also become much more reluctant to share as many details with people. I find myself wishing I hadn't shared my due date so openly with so many people, or the baby's gender. I know everyone is excited, & I love that everyone is excited, but I'm also a little...taken aback by how many people are counting down to D Day right along with us... And how many people want to know where we will be delivering, & what we're going to name him. Again, I know that goes along with the general excitement that always accompanies pregnancy & babies, but...being the center of attention like this is really weird (&, if I'm being honest, a little uncomfortable) for me. I don't like the idea of people knowing when I'm in labor (& have in fact made several requests that people refrain from mentioning it if/when they are notified), & I kind of don't want everyone knowing when he's here, either. Maybe that will change once he's actually HERE, but for now, I would love to have a day or two to just...breathe before we announce his arrival at all.
Who knows; we might both be so overcome with joy that we have to tell the entire world the second we get him in our arms. And by tomorrow, or even this weekend, I might be the happiest pregnant woman in the world. Hormones are just so weird.
There I go, turn the page.
Here we are; 38 weeks pregnant, almost 2 in the morning, and can't get comfortable enough to sleep. This has pretty much become my life lately - being uncomfortable. If it isn't the heartburn and headaches, it's the restless legs and endless kicks in the ribs. I can usually get about 3 hours of good sleep once I finally find a comfortable position. But once I get up the first time to pee, all bets are off for the remainder of the night (up until about an hour, hour & a half before my alarm goes off of course...).
That being said, no; I am not "ready to just be done" as so many people keep asking me. If Little Man is not ready to make his appearance, I am 100% fine with him staying where he is. I can endure several more weeks of discomfort if it means he'll be better suited to take on the world when the time comes.
I'm just going to jump right into here: my biggest struggle lately has been loneliness. Since the weather has started getting nicer lately, Husband has been taking his motorcycle out more, & spending a lot more time with his friends. I'm glad he gets that opportunity, but it leaves me sitting at home by myself a lot (well, not exactly by myself; our dog is here too, constantly whining because he wants to go outside, then staring at the door because he wants me to be outside playing with him at all times. Yay company.) & therefore still tackling the majority of the housework/baby prep by myself. I won't deny it; I'm jealous.
I definitely don't have the energy to be going here & there every day, & usually by the time I get off work, I'm so exhausted that a short walk around the block with the dog is about all I can manage (especially if I had to to run any errands on my lunch hour or after work). But on the weekends, I still want to do things & see people. It's just hard to make it happen because I can't always go out for dinner (my appetite has pretty much disappeared, & when I do make myself eat, I only get about 4 or 5 bites into something before I'm full), or take a two-hour walk, or wander around the mall for hours, or even sit in one position for very long anymore. So I'm never quite sure how to approach people... "Hey, wanna hang out? And...I don't know...sit on some comfy furniture for a while? But not too long. Then maybe take an excruciatingly slow 20-30 minute walk around...somewhere...before we go back & sit down again?" Sounds like a hopping good time.
This lonely attitude is also making it difficult for me to get/remain excited about things. Like packing the hospital bag - I have all the important stuff I'll really need (paperwork, camera, nursing pillow, all the relaxation stuff I want for labor), but at this point, I couldn't care less if I throw in a change of clothes for me, for Husband, or even for the baby. And his special "coming home" outfit? Pfft. For a while, I was really bummed because I couldn't find anything "cute" or "special" enough in the clothes we already had, so I was going to go buy something. But the longer I wait, the more I find myself thinking "What is the big deal? One onesie is as good as another. I'll just grab the first thing out of his drawer & toss it in. It's not like he'll know the difference."
Husband made the comment recently that I've gotten more...I don't remember if he actually used the word "snippy" or not, but that pretty much sums it up. And he's right, even though I still try my hardest to keep my temper & attitude in check. It's hard when there is small person taking up residency in your uterus, and rapidly outgrowing his surroundings. Plus, as I get bigger & bigger, and therefore closer & closer, I have more & more people asking my favorite question: "How are you feeling?"
Grr and sigh.
I have tried really hard not to complain much during this pregnancy for several reasons: 1) because I really haven't had much to complain about; honestly I've been incredibly lucky & had a really easy go of it. And 2) I know I've said this before - probably multiple times - but as soon as I do mention something like how uncomfortable I am because he's now sitting really low & putting a lot more pressure on my hips & pelvis, or being tired & unable to sleep, or having my feet swell up to the point it's painful to walk across the house, or having to limp around because my sciatica makes me want to cry, I'm hit with the never-ending barrage of "You think you're in pain NOW" or "You think you're tired NOW" or "You think you're uncomfortable NOW" And let me tell you, nothing gets my sharing-juices flowing like an endless stream of I-told-you-so's!
Maybe I'm just posting while in a pregnancy slump, but I've tried to be as honest as possible in this process, just in case some other pregnant person ever actually reads this. I want them to know that it doesn't make you a bad mom (or mom-to-be) if you aren't jumping for joy every second of every day. If you're like me, you might find yourself feeling like you've been shipwrecked on a deserted island, watching all these cruise ships sail by with everyone standing at the rail smiling and waving at you, wanting to know how you're doing. After a while, you get tired of smiling and waving back. I, for one, am telling myself that that is ok.
As our big day continues to draw closer, I've also become much more reluctant to share as many details with people. I find myself wishing I hadn't shared my due date so openly with so many people, or the baby's gender. I know everyone is excited, & I love that everyone is excited, but I'm also a little...taken aback by how many people are counting down to D Day right along with us... And how many people want to know where we will be delivering, & what we're going to name him. Again, I know that goes along with the general excitement that always accompanies pregnancy & babies, but...being the center of attention like this is really weird (&, if I'm being honest, a little uncomfortable) for me. I don't like the idea of people knowing when I'm in labor (& have in fact made several requests that people refrain from mentioning it if/when they are notified), & I kind of don't want everyone knowing when he's here, either. Maybe that will change once he's actually HERE, but for now, I would love to have a day or two to just...breathe before we announce his arrival at all.
Who knows; we might both be so overcome with joy that we have to tell the entire world the second we get him in our arms. And by tomorrow, or even this weekend, I might be the happiest pregnant woman in the world. Hormones are just so weird.
There I go, turn the page.
Saturday, March 25, 2017
Pregnancy Unicorn
If you haven't seen the What To Expect When You're Expecting movie, you might not be familiar with the concept of a Magical Pregnancy Unicorn. I'm sure you can guess, but basically, it's someone who gets all of the desirable pregnancy effects without the miserable and less-than-glamorous symptoms. Like every woman (I'm sure), I hoped & hoped this would be the case for me. I've wanted this my entire life, & I really wanted to be able to enjoy being pregnant. And I have to say, I've been (& still am) really lucky in that aspect. I mean, I've still had a few food aversions, random bouts of nausea, some killer sciatica pain (which, side note, a chiropractor, supportive footwear, and steady schedule of low-impact exercise - like swimming/water walking - will do wonders for this!!) & various other discomforts, but compared to some of the other pregnancies I've seen, mine really has not been bad at all.
Having said that, I feel obligated to say this as well: shit has gotten real over the last month or so. And by real, I mean really uncomfortable. At this point, my breathing sounds as though I just finished running some kind of race all the time; I'm fairly certain my feet could qualify as kayaks (canoes seemed a bit extreme); if I try to walk or otherwise move quickly, I feel like the entire front portion of my body might suddenly fall off; I snore now (that's new); I am always thirsty, always hot, and always have to pee; the only part(s) of my body that haven't gotten bigger with this pregnancy so far are my boobs (seriously how is that fair???); and this morning, my chocolate muffin actually gave me the worst heartburn I've experienced so far.
It hasn't only been the physical symptoms, however. It is really hard to explain how you can feel so unbelievably grateful, happy, & excited, & so frighteningly overwhelmed, alone, and unprepared all at the same time (or at least within a few moments of each other). A friend of mine shared this Facebook post that, I would say, pretty much explains what pregnancy has been like in my experience. If you don't want to read this woman's entire post (though I would highly recommend it!), here is a summary of the parts I found the most true: "Pregnancy has made me feel the cutest/prettiest that I ever have in my life. But no one tells you, that at the same time, it will make you feel the most self conscious and vulnerable... For an already self/body conscious woman like myself, it's a tug of war on my mind... Pregnancy is also the loneliest. Yes, you have a supportive husband/partner, but they don't get to know what you're going through, or feel the crazy kicks and flips, it's all you. There is always something to want to be able to tell or explain, but no one else will get it because it is happening inside you..."
As much as I love my pregnant body, it is really weird/uncomfortable/disconcerting to know that everyone is staring at your body, pretty much all the time. Some days I love the attention & I love having random people ask me questions about the baby & the pregnancy. Other days, it makes me horribly uncomfortable, & I want to hide in a corner (I think it's a combination of hormones & a lifetime of body image issues colliding together).
Now, there is one question that I get anywhere from 2 - 4 times every day that, for me, makes all of this that much more difficult to deal with: How are you feeling?
I despise this question.
Everyone & their dog wants to know How are you feeling? How are you feeling? How are you feeling? When in truth, they really don't. I know this because for a while, I got tired of answering with the standard "I'm feeling good, everything is going really well" answer (because I can only repeat myself so many times before my response loses all sincerity, &, let's be honest, some days I genuinely am not feeling good. Sometimes, I'm just having a bad day - physically, emotionally, whatever), & started telling people the truth. And you know what I discovered? Just like most other situations, people don't actually want to hear the truth. It's like asking a customer or a stranger how their day is going & having them launch into this elaborate story about all the terrible things that have happened to them recently, & you're standing there, awkwardly, like "Dude...overshare..."
Maybe they really do want an honest answer to how the pregnant woman is feeling, but only so they can "correct" you. For example, when I would answer with something like "I'm really tired, actually; I've been having a hard time sleeping," they would inevitably give me a "Oh, you poor stupid little girl, you think you're tired now" look, or they would just pipe right up with a condescending chuckle & super helpful quip like "Oh, just wait! If you think you aren't sleeping now..." The same goes for the mention of any other symptoms. Like if I mention that I'm getting more uncomfortable, I would get responses along the lines of "Oh, just wait; you don't know what uncomfortable is yet!" & other super helpful comments of that nature.
Because I have had such a relatively easy pregnancy, I feel like I'm not allowed to have bad days, or to really complain at all. I should just be grateful all the time that I don't have it worse.
So yeah, turns out I am not, in fact, a pregnancy unicorn. But, even when I'm uncomfortably wedged into the loveseat, popping Tums like breath mints to squelch the fire climbing up my esophagus, my painfully-swollen feet propped on a pillow, endlessly shifting & leaning to & fro in hopes of dislodging Baby Boy's foot from under my ribs, before ultimately getting up to pee for the third time in an hour, I would turn around & do another nine months in a heartbeat. Being pregnant is still, by far, the weirdest & best thing that has ever happened to me.
Having said that, I feel obligated to say this as well: shit has gotten real over the last month or so. And by real, I mean really uncomfortable. At this point, my breathing sounds as though I just finished running some kind of race all the time; I'm fairly certain my feet could qualify as kayaks (canoes seemed a bit extreme); if I try to walk or otherwise move quickly, I feel like the entire front portion of my body might suddenly fall off; I snore now (that's new); I am always thirsty, always hot, and always have to pee; the only part(s) of my body that haven't gotten bigger with this pregnancy so far are my boobs (seriously how is that fair???); and this morning, my chocolate muffin actually gave me the worst heartburn I've experienced so far.
It hasn't only been the physical symptoms, however. It is really hard to explain how you can feel so unbelievably grateful, happy, & excited, & so frighteningly overwhelmed, alone, and unprepared all at the same time (or at least within a few moments of each other). A friend of mine shared this Facebook post that, I would say, pretty much explains what pregnancy has been like in my experience. If you don't want to read this woman's entire post (though I would highly recommend it!), here is a summary of the parts I found the most true: "Pregnancy has made me feel the cutest/prettiest that I ever have in my life. But no one tells you, that at the same time, it will make you feel the most self conscious and vulnerable... For an already self/body conscious woman like myself, it's a tug of war on my mind... Pregnancy is also the loneliest. Yes, you have a supportive husband/partner, but they don't get to know what you're going through, or feel the crazy kicks and flips, it's all you. There is always something to want to be able to tell or explain, but no one else will get it because it is happening inside you..."
As much as I love my pregnant body, it is really weird/uncomfortable/disconcerting to know that everyone is staring at your body, pretty much all the time. Some days I love the attention & I love having random people ask me questions about the baby & the pregnancy. Other days, it makes me horribly uncomfortable, & I want to hide in a corner (I think it's a combination of hormones & a lifetime of body image issues colliding together).
Now, there is one question that I get anywhere from 2 - 4 times every day that, for me, makes all of this that much more difficult to deal with: How are you feeling?
I despise this question.
Everyone & their dog wants to know How are you feeling? How are you feeling? How are you feeling? When in truth, they really don't. I know this because for a while, I got tired of answering with the standard "I'm feeling good, everything is going really well" answer (because I can only repeat myself so many times before my response loses all sincerity, &, let's be honest, some days I genuinely am not feeling good. Sometimes, I'm just having a bad day - physically, emotionally, whatever), & started telling people the truth. And you know what I discovered? Just like most other situations, people don't actually want to hear the truth. It's like asking a customer or a stranger how their day is going & having them launch into this elaborate story about all the terrible things that have happened to them recently, & you're standing there, awkwardly, like "Dude...overshare..."
Maybe they really do want an honest answer to how the pregnant woman is feeling, but only so they can "correct" you. For example, when I would answer with something like "I'm really tired, actually; I've been having a hard time sleeping," they would inevitably give me a "Oh, you poor stupid little girl, you think you're tired now" look, or they would just pipe right up with a condescending chuckle & super helpful quip like "Oh, just wait! If you think you aren't sleeping now..." The same goes for the mention of any other symptoms. Like if I mention that I'm getting more uncomfortable, I would get responses along the lines of "Oh, just wait; you don't know what uncomfortable is yet!" & other super helpful comments of that nature.
Because I have had such a relatively easy pregnancy, I feel like I'm not allowed to have bad days, or to really complain at all. I should just be grateful all the time that I don't have it worse.
So yeah, turns out I am not, in fact, a pregnancy unicorn. But, even when I'm uncomfortably wedged into the loveseat, popping Tums like breath mints to squelch the fire climbing up my esophagus, my painfully-swollen feet propped on a pillow, endlessly shifting & leaning to & fro in hopes of dislodging Baby Boy's foot from under my ribs, before ultimately getting up to pee for the third time in an hour, I would turn around & do another nine months in a heartbeat. Being pregnant is still, by far, the weirdest & best thing that has ever happened to me.
Sunday, March 5, 2017
February fiasco
February pretty much slid right by in no time flat, so on to March! Which also means on to the beginning of our EIGHTH month!
Even though it was fast, February was certainly an eventful month. I managed to finish all three (that's right - three) of our registries! If you read my last post, you'll have an idea how much of a relief that was for me. Little Man has been moving around like crazy lately - I can actually see my belly roll from side to side, and it feels like someone is doing somersaults inside my body. Weirdest. Feeling. Ever. OH! His father finally got to feel him move for the first time when we hit 30 weeks! I was so happy!! :)
The biggest event, however, was probably our 5-hour foray into the local ER. On the one-year anniversary of the day we made the heartbreaking decision to let our first baby go (our cat, Selene), I was at work, going about my day as normally as was possible. Around 3:30 that afternoon, I started getting a headache, & out of nowhere began losing peripheral vision on my right side. It was like there was a jagged line down the middle of my vision, & everything on the right side was kind of a blur of neon colors (that's a poor description, but it's the closest I can get).
My boss had me sit in the back room & sip some water. I called my OB's office to tell them what was going on & ask if I should come to them, or go to the hospital, & she said a nurse would call me right back (it ended up being over 30 min before someone did). Within about 10-15 minutes of sitting down, I had little to no motor function in my right hand, & was having trouble forming complete sentences or finishing my thoughts, so I told my boss I needed to go to the ER.
We called my husband on the way, but my boss had to tell him what was going on because I would get a few words into a sentence & be unable to finish it. When we got to the ER, two nurses & a doctor sat me on a bed & started asking me a bunch of questions (my name, how far along I was in the pregnancy, where I lived, if I'd had any complications with the pregnancy, etc). I was able to answer most of their questions eventually, even though at times it would take me several moments to either think of the words, & I couldn't remember my OB's name, even when they said it for me. My boss had to step in & explain what had happened because my sentences were coming out like: "Cant...see...right side. Hand and f-f-face...ting-tingling." While gesturing with my left hand & stuttering terribly.
The doctor started saying a lot of things then - none of which I could make any sense of. I heard him say the words CAT Scan & MRI, but I couldn't understand what he was asking me, so I just kept looking frantically at my boss & nodding at the doctor. They pulled the curtain to get me into a hospital gown & hook up a bunch of wires for tests (again, none of which I understood). I was trying to focus on staying calm through everything because the more worked up I got, the harder it was for me to understand what they were saying, or form simple sentences. Husband got there right about then (I was very lucky to have my boss not only drive me to the ER, but stay with me through everything...even though I felt terrible for putting him all of that!) & the doctor told him he was going to send me for an MRI because he was pretty sure I'd had a minor stroke. Luckily I didn't understand what he was saying, or I probably would have panicked at that diagnosis.
As soon as Husband got there, things got so much better. Even in my current state, I could tell he was incredibly freaked out, but he kept holding my hand, talking to me, & being patient when I couldn't form a simple sentence or a full thought. That's the good part about being together so long; he was able to finish most of my thoughts and sentences for me. He even got me smiling & laughing, which seemed to help my speech & understanding tremendously.
After about 20 min in the MRI (where I'm pretty sure I dozed off at one point, despite the loud noises), I stood up & was suddenly completely back to normal. I still stuttered a bit, but I could speak in full sentences, I understood everything that was being said around/to me, I had full motor function of my right hand again, & my vision was completely clear. The doc called a neurologist to look at my MRI, & he said they looked 100% normal with no sign of any damage whatsoever, & assured the doctor if it had been a stroke, there would be at least some damage visible, no matter how minor.
We sat there for another two hours while they gave me an IV & some Tylenol before finally sending us home. The best they could guess was that I'd had a debilitating migraine (the ER doc was still convinced it was a mild stroke, despite what the neurologist said. After he left the room, Husband looked at me & said "How about we let the guy who went to school studying the brain diagnose the brain, k?" Haha!) & said if it happens again, I need to come back.
My boss absolutely forbade me from working the next day (which was probably a good call because I ended up sleeping for over 12 hours), or the day after. We had our regularly scheduled OB appointment the next day, & she said everything sounded fine with our Little Guy - he had a nice strong heartbeat, & he was certainly kicking up a storm the whole time we were in the ER! She did tell me that if something like that happens, I need to call them first, to which I replied "I did call your number first. I explained what was happening & asked if I should come here or go the ER. I was told a nurse would call me right back, & by the time she did, things had gotten so much worse that we were already en route to the ER because I wasn't comfortable waiting any longer." She said "Oh. Well. You should still come here first." --insert agitated sigh here--
Oh well. After talking with some other people & doing some research, it does sound like it was a debilitating migraine, which makes me feel like a huge drama queen for going to the ER, only to be fine a couple hours later. But, like Husband & everyone else has said, it easily COULD have been something else, or something more dangerous, & especially since it isn't just about me & my health right now, we should always take the extra precaution. The poor guy was white-knuckled & stone-faced the whole time we were there, but he stayed incredibly calm & collected, & kept coming up with all kinds of stories & history lessons to try & keep me entertained. :) I can't imagine going through a night like that without him; Baby Boy & I are so unbelievably lucky to have this man in our lives.
After talking it over with my doctor & my husband - considering everything that has happened recently - we all decided it would be in my/Baby Boy's best interest if I gave up Zumba for the rest of the pregnancy. I've been trying my hand at some lower impact cardiovascular exercise, like walking &/or swimming, to make sure I'm still getting a healthy amount of exercise without putting any extra stress on my body.
So yeah, February was most definitely an eventful month in our household, but luckily we've all come out the other side unscathed. We're looking forward to a quieter, less eventful March :)
Even though it was fast, February was certainly an eventful month. I managed to finish all three (that's right - three) of our registries! If you read my last post, you'll have an idea how much of a relief that was for me. Little Man has been moving around like crazy lately - I can actually see my belly roll from side to side, and it feels like someone is doing somersaults inside my body. Weirdest. Feeling. Ever. OH! His father finally got to feel him move for the first time when we hit 30 weeks! I was so happy!! :)
The biggest event, however, was probably our 5-hour foray into the local ER. On the one-year anniversary of the day we made the heartbreaking decision to let our first baby go (our cat, Selene), I was at work, going about my day as normally as was possible. Around 3:30 that afternoon, I started getting a headache, & out of nowhere began losing peripheral vision on my right side. It was like there was a jagged line down the middle of my vision, & everything on the right side was kind of a blur of neon colors (that's a poor description, but it's the closest I can get).
My boss had me sit in the back room & sip some water. I called my OB's office to tell them what was going on & ask if I should come to them, or go to the hospital, & she said a nurse would call me right back (it ended up being over 30 min before someone did). Within about 10-15 minutes of sitting down, I had little to no motor function in my right hand, & was having trouble forming complete sentences or finishing my thoughts, so I told my boss I needed to go to the ER.
We called my husband on the way, but my boss had to tell him what was going on because I would get a few words into a sentence & be unable to finish it. When we got to the ER, two nurses & a doctor sat me on a bed & started asking me a bunch of questions (my name, how far along I was in the pregnancy, where I lived, if I'd had any complications with the pregnancy, etc). I was able to answer most of their questions eventually, even though at times it would take me several moments to either think of the words, & I couldn't remember my OB's name, even when they said it for me. My boss had to step in & explain what had happened because my sentences were coming out like: "Cant...see...right side. Hand and f-f-face...ting-tingling." While gesturing with my left hand & stuttering terribly.
The doctor started saying a lot of things then - none of which I could make any sense of. I heard him say the words CAT Scan & MRI, but I couldn't understand what he was asking me, so I just kept looking frantically at my boss & nodding at the doctor. They pulled the curtain to get me into a hospital gown & hook up a bunch of wires for tests (again, none of which I understood). I was trying to focus on staying calm through everything because the more worked up I got, the harder it was for me to understand what they were saying, or form simple sentences. Husband got there right about then (I was very lucky to have my boss not only drive me to the ER, but stay with me through everything...even though I felt terrible for putting him all of that!) & the doctor told him he was going to send me for an MRI because he was pretty sure I'd had a minor stroke. Luckily I didn't understand what he was saying, or I probably would have panicked at that diagnosis.
As soon as Husband got there, things got so much better. Even in my current state, I could tell he was incredibly freaked out, but he kept holding my hand, talking to me, & being patient when I couldn't form a simple sentence or a full thought. That's the good part about being together so long; he was able to finish most of my thoughts and sentences for me. He even got me smiling & laughing, which seemed to help my speech & understanding tremendously.
After about 20 min in the MRI (where I'm pretty sure I dozed off at one point, despite the loud noises), I stood up & was suddenly completely back to normal. I still stuttered a bit, but I could speak in full sentences, I understood everything that was being said around/to me, I had full motor function of my right hand again, & my vision was completely clear. The doc called a neurologist to look at my MRI, & he said they looked 100% normal with no sign of any damage whatsoever, & assured the doctor if it had been a stroke, there would be at least some damage visible, no matter how minor.
We sat there for another two hours while they gave me an IV & some Tylenol before finally sending us home. The best they could guess was that I'd had a debilitating migraine (the ER doc was still convinced it was a mild stroke, despite what the neurologist said. After he left the room, Husband looked at me & said "How about we let the guy who went to school studying the brain diagnose the brain, k?" Haha!) & said if it happens again, I need to come back.
My boss absolutely forbade me from working the next day (which was probably a good call because I ended up sleeping for over 12 hours), or the day after. We had our regularly scheduled OB appointment the next day, & she said everything sounded fine with our Little Guy - he had a nice strong heartbeat, & he was certainly kicking up a storm the whole time we were in the ER! She did tell me that if something like that happens, I need to call them first, to which I replied "I did call your number first. I explained what was happening & asked if I should come here or go the ER. I was told a nurse would call me right back, & by the time she did, things had gotten so much worse that we were already en route to the ER because I wasn't comfortable waiting any longer." She said "Oh. Well. You should still come here first." --insert agitated sigh here--
Oh well. After talking with some other people & doing some research, it does sound like it was a debilitating migraine, which makes me feel like a huge drama queen for going to the ER, only to be fine a couple hours later. But, like Husband & everyone else has said, it easily COULD have been something else, or something more dangerous, & especially since it isn't just about me & my health right now, we should always take the extra precaution. The poor guy was white-knuckled & stone-faced the whole time we were there, but he stayed incredibly calm & collected, & kept coming up with all kinds of stories & history lessons to try & keep me entertained. :) I can't imagine going through a night like that without him; Baby Boy & I are so unbelievably lucky to have this man in our lives.
After talking it over with my doctor & my husband - considering everything that has happened recently - we all decided it would be in my/Baby Boy's best interest if I gave up Zumba for the rest of the pregnancy. I've been trying my hand at some lower impact cardiovascular exercise, like walking &/or swimming, to make sure I'm still getting a healthy amount of exercise without putting any extra stress on my body.
So yeah, February was most definitely an eventful month in our household, but luckily we've all come out the other side unscathed. We're looking forward to a quieter, less eventful March :)
Monday, January 30, 2017
Registry hoopla
*Just as a forewarning, I say the word "nipples" a lot in this post. So let's get the awkwardness out of the way up front: nipples Nipples NIPPLES! I'm going to talk about nipples! Better? Good.
So, let's talk baby registries.
Turns out, they are not fun.
I always thought they would be fun - the idea of picking out all this neat stuff for your baby always looked & sounded like fun. Before I started working on an actual registry, I loved walking through the baby section of stores; looking at all the cute little outfits, daydreaming about how I would design the someday-nursery for my someday-baby. "I like this crib, & that high chair, & this bouncer, & everything is going to match..."
That's all well & good, but what about all the other stuff you haven't been daydreaming about for years? The little stuff. The practical stuff. Let's be real - the boring stuff.
Is your carseat compatible with your stroller? Are you going to use an infant carseat first, then replace it with a convertible carseat by their first birthday, or are you going right into the convertible carseat? Are you going to use a crib right away, or a bassinet? Or maybe a baby box? Or a pack-n-play? Pacifiers (are you going to use a pacifier? for how long? what brand?), wipes (name-brand vs. off-brand? scented vs. unscented? sensitive skin?), lotions, shampoos, diapers (what brand is best? what size should you start with? make sure you have enough - 'cause you'll never have enough - but not too many - because you might end up with too many). Make sure you get them safe & stimulating toys, but don't bother too much with toys because they'll love tupperware & keys & things like that. Oh and a walker. Except not a walker, because those aren't safe anymore, so a bouncer. But you won't be able to put them in the bouncer for at least 4-6 months.
Then there's the wide world of feeding. Bottles (brand? size? how many should you get of each?), & don't forget all the little stuff that goes with the bottles - extra nipples (make sure you get enough with different "flows" for different ages), bottle cleaning & drying accessories, a bottle warmer (do you want one with an automatic timer/shut off? are you just going to use the microwave to reheat bottles? or maybe the old hot water method?). Oh, and are you going to breastfeed, or formula feed? 'Cause you should probably plan for both, just in case. Which of course means you'll need all the bits & pieces for breastfeeding, too (breast pump, portable breast pump, nursing pads, milk storage bags/containers, nipple butter, nipple shields, lotion to put on the breast pump itself to protect your already cracked & bleeding & soon-to-cause-you-all-manner-of-pain-&-suffering-you-can't-even-imagine-yet nipples, nursing pillow, nursing cover...). And you want to put as much stuff as possible on your registry because it increases your chances of not having to pay for all this stuff yourself, but at the same time...can you really picture your friends & relatives (or your husband's friends & relatives) buying you nipple butter? Or little nipple ice packs?
The only way I have been able to navigate this ridiculous realm of registry hoopla has been though the use of a not-so-secret weapon I was introduced to: Lucie's List. Lucie's List is a website that touts itself as a survival guide for new moms (mostly aptly named, in my opinion. Though I'm sure it would be just as invaluable to new dads, grandparents, guardians, etc.). The founder of Lucie's List took pity on those of us who really have no idea where to begin when it comes to baby prep; the site walks you through building a baby registry step by step & category by category. Granted, this also brought to my attention all these annoying little things I hadn't thought of yet, but I would much rather become aware of them now when I have time to prepare than later when there is an angry screaming baby in my arms (trying to latch onto my angry screaming nipples). Even with the wonderful guidance of Lucie's List, however, I have had to walk away from building our registry(s) several times when I get too overwhelmed by all the decisions. Hopefully I'll get them finished before March...
One thing everyone wants to know (& has been wanting to know since we announced we were having a baby - which of course kicked into high-gear when we found out the little guy is a Little Guy) is what will our theme be? What theme are we using for the nursery? What colors are we using? Here's the thing about me - I have never had a decorating theme for anything. Ever. So why break with tradition after 30 years? Plus, we rent, so it's not like we could really rip up the carpets or paint the walls in our spare room even if we wanted to. For those of you still hell-bent on us having a "theme" for Baby Boy, here is what I have been telling everyone: I don't really like bright colors, I don't like monkeys, & I'm not big on sports. I like animals & neutral colors. There - go nuts.
That about does it for our 26 week Baby Blog update. Two more weeks & we will officially be done with the second trimester, & on to the home stretch! Ohhhh what a frightening thought!! :)
Oh, also - NIPPLES!
So, let's talk baby registries.
Turns out, they are not fun.
I always thought they would be fun - the idea of picking out all this neat stuff for your baby always looked & sounded like fun. Before I started working on an actual registry, I loved walking through the baby section of stores; looking at all the cute little outfits, daydreaming about how I would design the someday-nursery for my someday-baby. "I like this crib, & that high chair, & this bouncer, & everything is going to match..."
That's all well & good, but what about all the other stuff you haven't been daydreaming about for years? The little stuff. The practical stuff. Let's be real - the boring stuff.
Is your carseat compatible with your stroller? Are you going to use an infant carseat first, then replace it with a convertible carseat by their first birthday, or are you going right into the convertible carseat? Are you going to use a crib right away, or a bassinet? Or maybe a baby box? Or a pack-n-play? Pacifiers (are you going to use a pacifier? for how long? what brand?), wipes (name-brand vs. off-brand? scented vs. unscented? sensitive skin?), lotions, shampoos, diapers (what brand is best? what size should you start with? make sure you have enough - 'cause you'll never have enough - but not too many - because you might end up with too many). Make sure you get them safe & stimulating toys, but don't bother too much with toys because they'll love tupperware & keys & things like that. Oh and a walker. Except not a walker, because those aren't safe anymore, so a bouncer. But you won't be able to put them in the bouncer for at least 4-6 months.
Then there's the wide world of feeding. Bottles (brand? size? how many should you get of each?), & don't forget all the little stuff that goes with the bottles - extra nipples (make sure you get enough with different "flows" for different ages), bottle cleaning & drying accessories, a bottle warmer (do you want one with an automatic timer/shut off? are you just going to use the microwave to reheat bottles? or maybe the old hot water method?). Oh, and are you going to breastfeed, or formula feed? 'Cause you should probably plan for both, just in case. Which of course means you'll need all the bits & pieces for breastfeeding, too (breast pump, portable breast pump, nursing pads, milk storage bags/containers, nipple butter, nipple shields, lotion to put on the breast pump itself to protect your already cracked & bleeding & soon-to-cause-you-all-manner-of-pain-&-suffering-you-can't-even-imagine-yet nipples, nursing pillow, nursing cover...). And you want to put as much stuff as possible on your registry because it increases your chances of not having to pay for all this stuff yourself, but at the same time...can you really picture your friends & relatives (or your husband's friends & relatives) buying you nipple butter? Or little nipple ice packs?
The only way I have been able to navigate this ridiculous realm of registry hoopla has been though the use of a not-so-secret weapon I was introduced to: Lucie's List. Lucie's List is a website that touts itself as a survival guide for new moms (mostly aptly named, in my opinion. Though I'm sure it would be just as invaluable to new dads, grandparents, guardians, etc.). The founder of Lucie's List took pity on those of us who really have no idea where to begin when it comes to baby prep; the site walks you through building a baby registry step by step & category by category. Granted, this also brought to my attention all these annoying little things I hadn't thought of yet, but I would much rather become aware of them now when I have time to prepare than later when there is an angry screaming baby in my arms (trying to latch onto my angry screaming nipples). Even with the wonderful guidance of Lucie's List, however, I have had to walk away from building our registry(s) several times when I get too overwhelmed by all the decisions. Hopefully I'll get them finished before March...
One thing everyone wants to know (& has been wanting to know since we announced we were having a baby - which of course kicked into high-gear when we found out the little guy is a Little Guy) is what will our theme be? What theme are we using for the nursery? What colors are we using? Here's the thing about me - I have never had a decorating theme for anything. Ever. So why break with tradition after 30 years? Plus, we rent, so it's not like we could really rip up the carpets or paint the walls in our spare room even if we wanted to. For those of you still hell-bent on us having a "theme" for Baby Boy, here is what I have been telling everyone: I don't really like bright colors, I don't like monkeys, & I'm not big on sports. I like animals & neutral colors. There - go nuts.
That about does it for our 26 week Baby Blog update. Two more weeks & we will officially be done with the second trimester, & on to the home stretch! Ohhhh what a frightening thought!! :)
Oh, also - NIPPLES!
Sunday, January 22, 2017
New year, new decade!
22 days ago, we officially kicked off the year we will welcome Little One! 5 days after that, I said so long to my 20s & began a new decade :) And today, we hit the 25 week mark! You know what that means? VIABILITY, baby!!
A few developments on Little One - he is a HE! :) I actually found out at our 20 week appointment on December 16th, but decided to surprise Husband with the news over Christmas. I wrapped up a little Harley Davidson onesie along with a handwritten note that said "Merry Christmas, Dad!" And on the inside, "Love, your SON!!" When he pulled out the onesie, he started laughing. Then he saw the card and got this look of shocked realization on his face. As he read the card, he said "Youuuuu shithead..." in a very loving way :) It was great; he was completely taken by surprise!
As of today, Little Man weighs about 1 1/2 lbs, and is the size of a baseball glove. Or a prairie dog. Or a bag of popped popcorn. And he has been moving around, kicking like crazy! But he still won't kick for his dad, which kind of bums me out. I know within a few more weeks, however, he'll be moving my whole belly with his acrobatics :)
Earlier today, Husband asked me if I like being pregnant, and I have to say...I love it!! The whole process is absolutely fascinating to me, and I am in awe of what my body is capable of. Now, all my life I have struggled with my body, how I look, and how I'm shaped. It took 27 years for me to learn to love my body, & even then there were of course days where I just couldn't stand the way my body looked, in or out of clothes. But since getting pregnant, I can honestly say that I have never liked my body more, or felt more comfortable in my own skin. I absolutely love the way I look, swollen feet and all! :)
One thing I do struggle with, however, is the constant attention from strangers. It's very much a double-edge sword for me because I have waited years to be the noticeably pregnant woman walking down the street, or through the store, & have people glance at my protruding baby belly & smile at me. But there are days, or even random moments where it makes me feel overwhelmingly anxious, & I have to resist the urge to go hide in a corner. I know that sounds odd considering I just typed an entire paragraph about how much I love my body right now, but what can I say; pregnancy is weird. Now that I've hit that point in the pregnancy where my belly is more noticeable, people are staring more, & I don't know if it's my own insecurities or some strange, primal, maternal thing that doesn't like people staring at my unborn baby.
I know this all sounds really strange, but I've been trying to make a point to talk about the strange nuances of pregnancy on the off-chance that there is anyone else out there who has or is experiencing similar things. Everyone likes to know they're not the only one :)
That's all for now, but I plan on writing another blog soon talking about my first steps into the wide world of baby registries. Because...yikes. That has been intense.
Happy New Year, everyone! I hope January has been as full & prosperous for you & yours has it has been for me & mine :)
A few developments on Little One - he is a HE! :) I actually found out at our 20 week appointment on December 16th, but decided to surprise Husband with the news over Christmas. I wrapped up a little Harley Davidson onesie along with a handwritten note that said "Merry Christmas, Dad!" And on the inside, "Love, your SON!!" When he pulled out the onesie, he started laughing. Then he saw the card and got this look of shocked realization on his face. As he read the card, he said "Youuuuu shithead..." in a very loving way :) It was great; he was completely taken by surprise!
As of today, Little Man weighs about 1 1/2 lbs, and is the size of a baseball glove. Or a prairie dog. Or a bag of popped popcorn. And he has been moving around, kicking like crazy! But he still won't kick for his dad, which kind of bums me out. I know within a few more weeks, however, he'll be moving my whole belly with his acrobatics :)
Earlier today, Husband asked me if I like being pregnant, and I have to say...I love it!! The whole process is absolutely fascinating to me, and I am in awe of what my body is capable of. Now, all my life I have struggled with my body, how I look, and how I'm shaped. It took 27 years for me to learn to love my body, & even then there were of course days where I just couldn't stand the way my body looked, in or out of clothes. But since getting pregnant, I can honestly say that I have never liked my body more, or felt more comfortable in my own skin. I absolutely love the way I look, swollen feet and all! :)
One thing I do struggle with, however, is the constant attention from strangers. It's very much a double-edge sword for me because I have waited years to be the noticeably pregnant woman walking down the street, or through the store, & have people glance at my protruding baby belly & smile at me. But there are days, or even random moments where it makes me feel overwhelmingly anxious, & I have to resist the urge to go hide in a corner. I know that sounds odd considering I just typed an entire paragraph about how much I love my body right now, but what can I say; pregnancy is weird. Now that I've hit that point in the pregnancy where my belly is more noticeable, people are staring more, & I don't know if it's my own insecurities or some strange, primal, maternal thing that doesn't like people staring at my unborn baby.
I know this all sounds really strange, but I've been trying to make a point to talk about the strange nuances of pregnancy on the off-chance that there is anyone else out there who has or is experiencing similar things. Everyone likes to know they're not the only one :)
That's all for now, but I plan on writing another blog soon talking about my first steps into the wide world of baby registries. Because...yikes. That has been intense.
Happy New Year, everyone! I hope January has been as full & prosperous for you & yours has it has been for me & mine :)
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